Death Is Hard

When death strips away a child from a parent or a parent from a child, the earth seems a little bit duller. Death is hard. My heart hurts a little deeper when I learn of a kid, particularly a high school-aged kid, losing a parent. It hits very close to home for me. Last week, one of our students lost his mother. For a brief moment, when I heard all of my personal memories flooded over me. I watched and felt his grief unfold on the football field. Death is hard.

Losing a parent while in high school is a different kind of hurt. Oh, your friends are there; they try and comfort you, but the majority of them wake up the next morning with their familial unit intact. Nothing changes in their daily lives. However, your daily life is never whole again. Your literal day one sees no more of your days. No ball games. No plays. No graduations. No weddings. No births. No nothing. All of these thoughts permeate your psyche off and on during the coming days, months, and years, not to mention the initial shock of their death cripples you. No voice. No laughter. No smiles. No Nothing. Gone. FOR.EVER. All of that is a LOT for any teenager to handle. It was a lot for me. I cried every night for weeks. Cried until there were no more tears. I remember Will telling me he was worried that I may try to kill myself. I never considered that, but I did retreat from being social, outgoing, wanting to be-around-ALL-the-people to being around the bare minimum, if that. I was sad. I was angry. I was so confused. If it wasn't enough to lose my Daddy at 15, two weeks later (to the day) my granddaddy died. One month later (to the date) my dog got run over. The ole trite adage, "When it rains, it pours," never felt more accurate. 

Lucky for me, my faith was strong at a young age. I relied on it. I deemed it necessary to even begin to make sense of it all. Not all teenagers have that faith. And NOT all teenagers should be expected to gracefully carry the heaviness of such a burden. As weird as this sounds and as much as I'd love to have my daddy here with me, his death provided me with an empathy and compassion and vision that can only be earned through the grief journey. The lessons and love overcoming his death provided me turned me into ME. The greatest gift given to me is the insight of being a vessel for the greater good. 

A few years after my daddy's death, I ended up counseling at a conference where a young boy found out days before that his father had pancreatic cancer. Pancreatic cancer is a death sentence. He came to that conference knowing within six months his father would die. This is the moment when a purpose greater than myself existed through me. I sat with this broken kid on the front steps of his cabin into the wee hours of the morning discussing how death would invade his life in the coming months and years. We laughed and cried and hugged away as much pain as we could. Before my daddy died, I wouldn't have had the tools needed for that moment. "For such a time as this…"

Little did I know, this encounter would be the first of many. Thus far within my life, my path has aligned with so many teenagers who have experienced the death of a parent or loved one. I've also stood in front of a classroom full of students who are hearing for the first time their classmate and friend has died. Oddly, I've felt prepared to handle each situation that I've been placed in with an intuitive spirit. 

Living through hell, whether it be the death of a loved one, alcoholism/addiction, job loss, cancer, infertility, depression, or any number of devastating crises, can equip you to be the light someone else needs in their darkest hour. As hard as it is to embrace and love your hurt, your healing will heal others. Trust and believe.

For those of you who haven't experienced loss or hurt or uncertainty, count yourself as lucky. Or maybe not because you haven't been forced to grow into a more compassionate and empathetic individual. 

For those of you who have experienced loss or hurt or uncertainty, use your experiences to better the world and the people around you. Those people need YOU and everything you have to offer. 

Willingness Breeds Opportunity

A week has passed and I didn't sit down and make time to blog, even now I'm typing on my phone in bed before I fall asleep instead of on a computer at a dedicated space for a given amount of time. Writing for me tends to be something I do out of passion or raw emotion. If I haven't been moved by something, I don't necessarily write. Yet, I feel like writing is a call to ministry in some way for me,  and if I'm not writing then I'm failing to fulfill a purpose in my life. This week I debated about writing about suicide and then contemplated writing about teenagers losing parents because both of those happened in our tiny community this past week. And both of those things did move me in thought. However, the nudge I'm feeling right now has more to do with notching out time to focus on our purpose. 

I kept telling myself this week that I needed to write, but I just didn't feel that I had anything to say. I never made time to actually put words or thoughts onto paper to see if inspiration would flow. I never sat at my computer with the intention to write. How many times have I wasted words because I didn't give them space to be released? God can't speak through me if I'm not speaking. God can't give me words or vision if I'm not allowing myself to enter a space to receive it wholly. 

I too often believe that God comes as the burning bush instead of the quiet whisper. I know better, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to slow down and intentionally listen for the whisper of the wind. I allow mindless scrolling to infuse my days instead of renewing my mind with knowledge or wisdom or activity worthy of inspiration. 

So, maybe today's blog is more about me waking up and making some changes to my daily habits. Maybe I need to stand firm in personal commitment to myself and God. Maybe writing this tonight is God's way of telling me to make the space and offer the time because willingness breeds opportunity, and opportunities open doors, and open doors lead us to places we are destined to go. Do you have any doors that need to be opened? Is God nudging you toward an intentional commitment in your purpose?

Pass The Salt

Vulnerability lends itself to transparency, which creates a clear heart for open and honest communication. Years ago, a friend told me my voice was the strongest when writing from a place of vulnerability. Last week, I blogged for the first time in THREE years. There was some vulnerability in those words. Before last week, I had the desire to write, but my voice had been silent. Legitimately, not certain of what I should write. No purpose. There were times when I wanted to create an open dialogue for the reconciliation of differences but didn’t have the energy to deal with the repercussions of people. Today, I decided the repercussions, judgment, and opinions no longer mattered to me. 

I walked away from the church for a little while, not necessarily God or Jesus, the church. During Covid and the aftermath of the pandemic, I was tired, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Some days, I simply was too tired from the pandemic/virtual school week to physically go anywhere on the weekends. Some days, it was the divisiveness that was occurring over a vaccination. The division was UGLY. Some days, it was just me questioning theology. During that time, I was teaching World Literature and we were reading Elie Wiesel’s autobiography, Night. If you have really thought about the Holocaust, how can you not have questions? 

Questioning the church’s theology should not cost us our faith or our friends. However, early on we are trained to trust blindly and not question the Bible, the preacher, or the universal church. This doesn’t sit well with me because what if, our personal questioning is where the Truth is revealed for our lives? I don’t feel we are allowed to openly have questions nor is there a safe space to have hard conversations about religion. Our unbelief and uncertainty should be discussed openly with freedom, acceptance, and understanding. However, these conversations lead to being shunned and ostracized. We don’t feel there is a place for us at the table anymore. 

I think this is where I have been sitting for the last three years, alone and uncertain. I can remember teaching children to question everything and not blindly conform to things just because their parents or preachers told them. I quickly noticed these children and their parents stopped interacting with me as much. See how quick questions can cause you to be alone.  

This morning, the focus of the sermon was on salt and light. The preacher discussed how salt loses its flavor because of impurities or because it’s been diluted. My initial question was: What happens when the church becomes the impurity in your life? I’m betting that will be considered a very unpopular question, but my heart hurts when I watch the people of the church hurt others. When the people of the church have an opportunity to stand up for someone in their time of need, but those upstanding church folks stand by and watch as that person’s life implodes. 

I’ve felt my flavor fade over the last three years. When it was said this morning, “If salt loses its taste it has lost its purpose.” I haven’t felt anything so deeply in quite a long time because I have questioned my purpose on a continuous loop for the last few years. Once so determined that writing was a divine gift that God brought to me, I no longer have the words or the desire to find them. Once absolutely certain that teenagers were my reason, I now contemplate leaving education over and over. Once faithful in seeing past the unfortunate and trusting in the direction it would lead, I cry uncontrollably with complete rain clouds blocking the view of where to go next. 

The significance in all this is that I have been BEGGING God for months to help me feel something. ANYTHING. For someone who had an absolute certainty of the divine’s touch on her life, living in unbelief has been debilitating. Today with conviction and trust,  I sang the words, “I sing a hallelujah louder than the unbelief.” Tonight, I have words and the desire to type them out again. God is moving and just maybe isn’t done with me yet. Though my heart and soul still struggle with questions and my mind still carries some unbelief, I did feel the presence of God today. I do feel that spark and pray that it will fan into a flame. Even if I am not as salty as I once was, may my light have the ability to grow brighter and be a safe and encouraging space for all those who question yet seek. May my light mimic the love of God.

45 and counting...

Birthdays much like the new year offer a time to reflect on your personal life. Forty-five seems like a significant number to truly reflect. So, I've been spending some time doing that. I mean most likely, I've crossed the halfway point of my life. I feel like I need to make some priority changes and revive some lost ideas and beliefs.

At 40, I remember having so many plans and goals that I wanted to crush, particularly in that 40th year. Heck, I started writing a whole novel, and it was actually pretty good. However, I abandoned all my goals because somewhere along the way life became too hard for me. I doubted all my gifts and talents. The world became ugly and hateful. I found myself retreating from people and institutions that I once clung. The flame of my desires withdrew into darkness, and the darkness seemed to take up more and more space in my mind. 

The last few years I've struggled to maintain even a semblance of myself, but this past year life almost broke me and when I thought I was putting myself back together, I crashed. Life literally picked me overhead its head and slammed me onto the ground. I shattered into a million pieces. Pieces I don't think I can ever put back together the same way. I've changed too significantly. I haven't decided if it is for the better because I'm still attempting to form the shards back together. I'm hurt and bitter and confused.

At Forty-five, I thought life would be on cruise or at least on a downhill slope, but nope. NO. WHERE. CLOSE. When I'm not pedaling up the steepest hill, I feel like I'm rowing backward all alone in a raft in the middle of an endless sea. It's honestly been horrible. I'm a broken version of myself, and it is painful to live out because I'm unsure if I can return to the strong and faithful person I was for so long, and I desperately want to be her.

I envy people who say you can just choose happiness or joy. They intentionally choose that for their life. I promise you I want that. I want to make that choice. I want to make a proclamation over my life, but my brain makes that choice so much more difficult than just "choose joy." My brain is ruled by depression.

Depression grips the scale and tilts it in the direction of darkness and despair. Depression surrounds you with loneliness and uncertainty. Depression strips away motivation and confidence. Depression assures you joy isn't a feasible choice. So, as much as I want to choose joy, I have to wage a war against myself daily in order to make that choice. The battle is endless. 

Now, I'm not writing this as a woe to me plea for all of your pity. I. Do. Not. Want. Pity. I'm writing this as a declaration to myself. In order to seek out the goals I once made and in order to rebuild myself in a way that I'm recognizable, I must be transparent about my place in the world and the battles I face. One of my goals years ago was to blog frequently. What better way to be true to my 40 year old self than to blog to start off my 45th year? Here's to rebuilding myself and my faith while crushing my goals and finding a peace that dissolves my bitterness.

Open Heart. Open Mind. Open Hands.

Depressed. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Sad. Lonely. Unsure. Anxious. Fearful. Uncertain. Unfocused. Unmotivated. And just plain tired. These few simple words describe my mental health and well being over the last several months. I have struggled in every aspect of my life, even my faith. If you know me at all, you know my faith is strong and my commitment to living out my purpose IS my reason for everything. However, since Covid-19 changed the face of education, I have floundered in understanding my purpose. I have questioned and debated why I am even in the teaching profession. But today! I was made aware of an issue that sparked something inside of me again. Nothing’s motivated me enough to actually put words onto paper in months. But today! I desire to share my heart with you all. I share because so many people in this free world are quick to spew hate because of differences. People are fast to judge and talk about you because you don’t fit into the tiny box they deem acceptable. People accept grace but refuse to give it. That is NOT the way America was intended. It is definitely not the way JESUS taught.

So, what brought about this need to put my heart onto paper today? Simple, the ramblings and rants of teenagers who don’t like me as a person nor as a teacher (I guess). Now, I admit that my heart hurts when I realize students don’t like me. I’ve never declared that I became a teacher for the sake of education. Never, because the most important aspect of teaching to me is and has always been the relationships I am able to establish with my students and the love I can offer them. A love ordained by God to offer as a sacrifice of worship. A love that grows to encompass the abused, the hurt, the broken, the confused, the weak, the volatile, the outcast. You see God’s love does not discriminate, even though many Christians do. Well, I don’t want to be like the many; I want to be like Christ.

I try to be an authentic person. I admit I am not the perfect Christian. I struggle with judging others and my heart aches when I do because I do NOT want to judge. I get frustrated. Mad. Downright pissed off at times with people and can vent with the best of them, but my heart aches because I know God called me to be better than that. Doesn’t mean I don’t do it. It means I know better. God and I have lengthy conversations about my heart and healing it. When I write it’s not to preach a sermon to others but to learn a lesson myself. I do NOT believe myself or my thoughts better than someone else’s. So, today!

Today, my heart needed to heal from hearing, “Man, (insert name of student) and them really don’t like you, Miss.” My heart initially broke from those words. However, it healed quickly when I found out one of the reasons this group didn’t like me was because they deemed I was too open-minded. Wow! We are at a point in education and in America where if we don’t agree, you don’t like me. I never want to change a kid’s belief system. I honestly don’t. I don’t actually care if our opinions differ. I do want them to understand and know why they believe what they believe. Really know, and the answer can’t be because that’s what I’ve always believed or that’s what my parents believe. That’s fine if you believe the same as they do, but WHY do you believe it?

Another important aspect of a belief system that I want my students to always be aware of is the other. I want them to understand life from the perspective of others. The current political state of America is divided at best, and the division started because one side refused to listen to the other side. One side declared their side is right, no ifs ands or buts. There lies the problem...polarization. Polarization eliminates the opportunity for dialogue. You are different. You are the problem. I hate you. 

People, that is not the way of America. That is not the way of Jesus. He sat at the table WITH sinners. 

So, to the students who think I am too open-minded or liberal or whatever you want to call it, I am sorry that you feel that way. I am sorry you will miss out on the most loyal friend you could find. I am glad you will never need a person in your life who can see you, REALLY see you. Not your status. Not your parents. Not your athletic ability. Instead, a person who sees your struggles, your triumphs, your pains, your joys, and stands by you through them all. A person you can share your deepest insecurities to in complete confidence. A person who understands your grieving heart and offers you solace. A person who will listen as you admit you have contemplated suicide and offers you hope. A person who pushes you further and doesn’t let you give up. Then again, students, you may not need a person like that in your life, but I can promise that you have a classmate who does, and I promised God long ago I would be that person for that student. 

I will continue to question your beliefs, not because I want you to change them. I have never wanted that. Instead, I will question them because I want you to SEE others. I want you to experience life from a different lens. I want you to grow as human beings. Will your belief system change as you experience life? I am not sure; I would say that depends on the experiences you allow yourself to have. I can say my beliefs sure have changed throughout my 42 years on this earth. Life has a way of growing us in spite of ourselves.

I will leave you with this...Be careful who you hate; it may be someone you love.

Now, to those students who love me and appreciate my efforts, you are my reason!! You are why God placed me in the classroom! You make my world complete and have given me the most joy! Thank you for allowing me to be part of you!! I’ll love you forever!!!     

Changes are Here

I’m not necessarily a pros/cons list type of person. Though I am an overthinker and think through all the pros and cons from many different perspectives repeatedly and in my sleep, I don’t necessarily write out a list. Many years ago I happened into the life of a college professor. I adored it. I loved the freedom and autonomy of the college classroom. My colleagues were awesome, and there aren’t too many places I love better than a college campus. The atmosphere of a university has a liveliness to it like no other. There is a pulsing heartbeat to a college campus that radiates through you as you walk. I loved that as a student and just as much as a professor. My students were fantastic, and I had so many opportunities to witness growth in my students. Yes, I watched many overcome the fear of public speaking, but others I watched grow as human beings. So, why did I leave it? Stupidity...lol! No, I wanted to be on to my children’s school schedule.

When I moved back to public education, I just thought I would return to the path I started before being called to Georgia Southern as an instructor and that path was at an elementary school. Again, even that path I had not originally chosen. My undergraduate and graduate degrees are both in Communication Studies, but teaching was always in the back of my mind. When I left the life of Assistant Professor, I didn’t go back to the elementary regular education classroom. No, I ended up by divine appointment as a co-teacher at the local HIGH school. I did not even interview for that position when I got the job, but I believe that was where God wanted me. My belief was affirmed time and again, but after a little time and multiple changes in administrations that belief wavered a little bit. Unfortunately, I say my belief wavered, but in full disclosure, I believe it was my faith that wavered. I was no longer happy as a person, and I looked for ways to please myself. There was an opening to teach Art at the elementary school, and I lined myself up to make that move.

I have never really admitted this to anyone until today, but during that entire process, I questioned myself. Was I really doing God’s will for my life? Did God really want me to move to the elementary school to teach art? I justified everything I was doing with the level of my personal happiness. God wouldn’t want me to be unhappy, would He? Maybe that was true, or maybe God wanted me to question the move in such a big way because He needed me open to returning one day.

I’ll be the first to admit I LOVED watching my personal babies grown in elementary school. I got to bring them to school. I got to hug them in the halls. I got to watch their programs. I got to talk to their teachers daily. So, maybe God granted me that opportunity as a parent. He gave me a reprieve from my calling to let me grow my own children. My babies are no longer babies, and I decided it was time to listen and obey God instead of listening and postponing.

I believe the high school has had one or two openings in the English department every year since I left except maybe one. Were these openings God waving at me to gain my attention? Maybe. God might have been giving me an opportunity each year to return. I am not sure, but I do know each time I heard about an opening there was a small nudge in my gut even though I really didn’t want to make the move back. Some years I contemplated the move more than others based on my personal happiness. Finally, the pull became too great. A while ago I decided if I was going to be obedient to God’s call then I had to open my heart to the possibility of returning to the high school. I wasn’t sure if I would end up there or not, but I had to be responsive in my obedience. So, I allowed the administration to know if I was ever needed back I was not opposed to returning. In this declaration, I was not wishing to go back or even applying for any of the openings; I was just allowing myself to be obedient to God’s calling on my heart.

Last Friday during school, I received a call from a number I was not familiar. I got the call in the midst of working a popcorn tent during Farm Day, and I didn’t answer. When I got a second, I listen to the message. It was from the high school principal simply saying he needed to talk with me. He said no one is hurt and nothing was wrong. He just wanted to talk. I have a high school student. Therefore, I listened again to make sure this message wasn’t about Billy, and after listening to the message again, I had a feeling it was about me, not Billy. My feeling proved to be true. We met. We talked. He offered me a position teaching 10th Grade English.

I knew immediately who was in control, but I didn’t immediately say yes. I was scared. I still am, but I prayed. I prayed some more. I talked it over with a few of my closest persons and others who could give me a little insight. I prayed some more. I asked others to pray for me. However, the whole time, though scared and uncertain, I knew what obedience would look like, and it would require me to trade in my whistle for essays and novels.

Let me say this...I LOVED the opportunity to teach art, and the last two years in the gym with my work husband, Coach Boyd, have been AMAZING. I couldn’t ask for a better person to be my sidekick. We have laughed, ate, cried, yelled, fought, made up, sang, danced, ate some more and laughed even harder. I will always love him. I will love him for helping me overcome some dark days and being my confidant. I will not love him for these extra pounds because of all the snacks he brought me. He didn’t like to eat alone. Ha!

The kids at TCES have brightened all of my days, and I will surely miss their hugs and hearing Coach Girl echoing down the hall or when they see me in town and ask, “Where is Coach BOYd?” I guess for them it’s not really goodbye but simply see you in a few years. I love all of you little knuckleheads more than you'll ever know!!

My co-workers... Even on my dark days, I tried so very hard to offer each of you a smile and cheerful hello or words of encouragement or a safe space to vent. I will miss you all! Please know I didn’t enter into this decision to depart in haste, but I had to be true to God’s direction for my heart. Please know you will be in prayers! Continue to push through your hard days, your unhappy days, your days where you feel you don’t matter or no one is listening...YOU ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!!! YOU ARE LOVED!! YOU ARE APPRECIATED!!

And I ask each of you to watch after my baby boy for his last year at the elementary school. I am in tears writing that because he was the most difficult aspect of this decision. He’s my baby, and I have been with him for his entire time at TCES. Though he has the absolute best personality and the sweetest heart, he struggles academically with processing. He hasn’t been formally diagnosed with dyslexia, but his symptoms definitely suggest it as a possibility. So, whoever ends up as his teacher I need for you to love him beyond measure. I need for you to exercise every ounce of patience with his struggles and forgetfulness. I need for you to keep me informed. I need for you to know I love you so much for being there for him.

Though this post was simply a way to give an account of this coming change, I will one day offer more significant details of God’s calling and His speaking over this decision. He is phenomenal in the details of our lives if we are willing to look. So, here’s to new beginnings in familiar places!

Finding Greatness

I suppose the saying “you are your own worst critic” may be one of the most accurate descriptions to define who I am. My critiques aren’t necessarily detrimental because I feel I do many things pretty good and some very good, but I don’t feel like I am great at anything. And I want to be great. Not in a pompous, arrogant way. Not in a look-at-ho- awesome-I-am way. No, I want to be great in a way that says look at God. Look how He has gifted me. Look at the path He has placed me. Look at how His purpose is fulfilled in my life. Just look at God with an awestruck glare at His greatness.

I want my words to be powerful and meaningful. I want my interactions with others to be loving and significant. I want my actions to be bold and intentional. I want my life to make a continual difference for the kingdom.

However, I fail daily because I hurt deeply. With a transparent heart, I admit that life can be hard at times. As much as I want to swallow up hurts, negative thoughts, bitterness and anger, some days I just can’t. I can’t fully allow myself to run in the direction of greatness because I’m shackled with paralyzing tiredness.

I’m tired of fake smiles. I’m tired of heartaches. I’m tired of division. I’m tired of exclusion. I’m tired of selfishness. I’m tired of greed. I’m tired of judgmental attitudes. I’m tired of superiority. I’m tired of conniving. I’m tired of the blame game. I’m tired of petty bullshit. I’m just tired. I’m tired of the world around me darkening the light in my heart and turning me into someone I don’t necessarily like.

Truthfully, I struggle frequently with depression (I haven’t been clinically diagnosed, but I am intelligent enough to know the signs).  I believe my depression is directly related to my desire to live with GREAT purpose but failing. All that tiredness has left me empty, and I’m turning into a culmination of the tired. That is NOT who I want to be, at all! That is NOT who I am meant to be, ever. 

So, I offer this plea to each person who took the time to read this…there is at least one person in your life who needs you. They are struggling, but you wouldn’t necessarily know by looking on the surface. They need you to look deeper. You need to experience their heart. They are trying to keep everything together, and they are succeeding in appearance only, but their heart is hurting. They need you. They need your GENUINE friendship. The need your kind words. They need that hug. They need your prayers. 

And for those of you who are reading this and are looking for your GREAT purpose…keep struggling to find it because it is in that struggle God will prepare you for exactly what He has planned. I know how hard it is to always see beyond the brokenness around you, but I promise you when you have even a moment of clarity, your spirit is moved by glimpses of the GREATNESS that is to come. I can say that with a smile on my heart because as I typed this last paragraph God gave me a glimpse. 

You are loved…marvel in your struggles. Give God all of your tiredness. 

You are GREAT!!

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”      Matthew 11:28-30