Generally speaking, aren’t jobs supposed to get easier the longer you do them? Well, I have decided that parenting is no generality. The longer I parent the more I question my skills, and it really has less to do with actually parenting my children than it does with handling all of the outside forces that come into play…friends, other parents, school, sports, coaches, processing disorders, and other such things.
I constantly question my choices on all things because I am an over analyzer and worrier anyway. So, throw in the outside sources and I am surprised I haven’t developed an ulcer this school year.
At one time in this life of mine, I loved people. I would have even consider myself a people person. Imagine that! I used to give my Mama hell for being an unsocial hermit, but I got older. I experience the uglier sides of people. The older I've gotten and the more experieces I've had, the more respect I gain for a life secluded from people. To be honest, I actually hate that I feel like a misanthrope.
However, when the people and institutions in your life that are supposed to hold you up when you can’t hold yourself up falter and let you fall, you lose your confidence in humanity, and in that loss you find yourself becoming bitter and jaded. And slowly your personality changes. You build walls. You push people away. You say things you might want to take back. You struggle. You hurt. You lay awake at night consumed with thoughts. Throw your children in the mix and these thoughts and feelings are amplified because you do all of the above on their behalf too. Don’t forget your spouse. His worries and letdowns become yours too.
I’ll be the first to admit the person who I have become is not a person I am proud of or even like very much, but as life continues to get messy, I find it harder and harder to pull myself up out of the drowning waves of people and return to the person I am meant to be. The people who let me down or hurt my children or make my husband feel some sort of way have damaged me in a way I am afraid is changing me permanently.
But I can’t let that happen. That is not the person God needs me to be. I can’t let the bitterness and selfishness of the world change me into those things. What I have to do is learn that I am not designed to depend on people because they are not the ones I have been called to live for.
I can’t expect others to put my children first that is my job. I am my children’s advocate. No matter what classroom they are placed I will make it my mission to ensure their learning disabilities do not limit their opportunities. No matter how loud a coach yells at them and makes them question themselves I will make sure my words of encouragement are louder. No matter how cruel the playground is I will teach them to always rise above (even though I still struggle with that myself). No matter what, my children will know they are loved. Because they are. I LOVE them with all of who I am.
The love I have for my children reminds me just how important we are to God. When I think about the ruthlessness of my words or actions when my children are in the mix, I prove how unconditional God’s love is for His children. At some point this year, each of my children have been treated in a questionable manner. In each situation, my mind ran an emotional marathon questioning how to handle the situation with them or for them. I was consumed with how to make things better making sure my kids didn’t give up or get upset. God does that for us, doesn’t he?
God is consumed with making our life better. He wants the absolute best for us. He will fight for us when we can’t fight for ourselves. He will cheer for us when others don’t. He will love us when we think we aren’t worth loving. God will lift us up when others tear us down. God doesn’t give up on His children. He keeps pushing them until they are actually doing his will without even realizing it. Like right now….see…
God has been on me about writing, and I’ve continued to push it to the background saying I will do it later. How bout in the midst of writing this blog post God started pulling me above the waves, which have been drowning me, with the words I was typing. He was willing me to write. He was changing me. Changing my heart. Giving me purpose. Giving me Hope. Don’t you just love that??
This entire school year I have been preoccupied by what PEOPLE think. I try to tell myself I don’t care what people think, but I do.. Their words or looks or comments or posts or actions do affect me on a very deep level, and as many times as I try to say I don’t care, I DO. I am trying to learn how to not allow those things to determine my self-worth, but that’s hard work, my friends!
I tend to remember those things that hurt me, and unfortunately, our humanness makes it so hard to forget words and looks and posts. I am learning to let those things move me and allow God to use that movement to change me into something beautiful instead of bitter. I have always wished people could see hearts. The communication of the heart is so much truer and purer than words or even actions. I know mine is. My words and or actions definitely don’t always match the fullness of my heart.
So, if you are reading this, I am asking for a favor…PRAY for me. Pray for my heart to be shown. Pray for my faith to be constantly renewed as it was while writing this. Pray for my obedience to God’s call on my life. Pray that the love I have for my children never overshadow my walk with Christ!
Today’s writing was for me, but I believe it was easy to see God literally work through me from the start to the finish of this post. It is days like today that proves God’s presence is REAL! Hope you felt it too while reading. Before it is all over He may just make me a people person again ;)
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