Depressed. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Sad. Lonely. Unsure. Anxious. Fearful. Uncertain. Unfocused. Unmotivated. And just plain tired. These few simple words describe my mental health and well being over the last several months. I have struggled in every aspect of my life, even my faith. If you know me at all, you know my faith is strong and my commitment to living out my purpose IS my reason for everything. However, since Covid-19 changed the face of education, I have floundered in understanding my purpose. I have questioned and debated why I am even in the teaching profession. But today! I was made aware of an issue that sparked something inside of me again. Nothing’s motivated me enough to actually put words onto paper in months. But today! I desire to share my heart with you all. I share because so many people in this free world are quick to spew hate because of differences. People are fast to judge and talk about you because you don’t fit into the tiny box they deem acceptable. People accept grace but refuse to give it. That is NOT the way America was intended. It is definitely not the way JESUS taught.
So, what brought about this need to put my heart onto paper today? Simple, the ramblings and rants of teenagers who don’t like me as a person nor as a teacher (I guess). Now, I admit that my heart hurts when I realize students don’t like me. I’ve never declared that I became a teacher for the sake of education. Never, because the most important aspect of teaching to me is and has always been the relationships I am able to establish with my students and the love I can offer them. A love ordained by God to offer as a sacrifice of worship. A love that grows to encompass the abused, the hurt, the broken, the confused, the weak, the volatile, the outcast. You see God’s love does not discriminate, even though many Christians do. Well, I don’t want to be like the many; I want to be like Christ.
I try to be an authentic person. I admit I am not the perfect Christian. I struggle with judging others and my heart aches when I do because I do NOT want to judge. I get frustrated. Mad. Downright pissed off at times with people and can vent with the best of them, but my heart aches because I know God called me to be better than that. Doesn’t mean I don’t do it. It means I know better. God and I have lengthy conversations about my heart and healing it. When I write it’s not to preach a sermon to others but to learn a lesson myself. I do NOT believe myself or my thoughts better than someone else’s. So, today!
Today, my heart needed to heal from hearing, “Man, (insert name of student) and them really don’t like you, Miss.” My heart initially broke from those words. However, it healed quickly when I found out one of the reasons this group didn’t like me was because they deemed I was too open-minded. Wow! We are at a point in education and in America where if we don’t agree, you don’t like me. I never want to change a kid’s belief system. I honestly don’t. I don’t actually care if our opinions differ. I do want them to understand and know why they believe what they believe. Really know, and the answer can’t be because that’s what I’ve always believed or that’s what my parents believe. That’s fine if you believe the same as they do, but WHY do you believe it?
Another important aspect of a belief system that I want my students to always be aware of is the other. I want them to understand life from the perspective of others. The current political state of America is divided at best, and the division started because one side refused to listen to the other side. One side declared their side is right, no ifs ands or buts. There lies the problem...polarization. Polarization eliminates the opportunity for dialogue. You are different. You are the problem. I hate you.
People, that is not the way of America. That is not the way of Jesus. He sat at the table WITH sinners.
So, to the students who think I am too open-minded or liberal or whatever you want to call it, I am sorry that you feel that way. I am sorry you will miss out on the most loyal friend you could find. I am glad you will never need a person in your life who can see you, REALLY see you. Not your status. Not your parents. Not your athletic ability. Instead, a person who sees your struggles, your triumphs, your pains, your joys, and stands by you through them all. A person you can share your deepest insecurities to in complete confidence. A person who understands your grieving heart and offers you solace. A person who will listen as you admit you have contemplated suicide and offers you hope. A person who pushes you further and doesn’t let you give up. Then again, students, you may not need a person like that in your life, but I can promise that you have a classmate who does, and I promised God long ago I would be that person for that student.
I will continue to question your beliefs, not because I want you to change them. I have never wanted that. Instead, I will question them because I want you to SEE others. I want you to experience life from a different lens. I want you to grow as human beings. Will your belief system change as you experience life? I am not sure; I would say that depends on the experiences you allow yourself to have. I can say my beliefs sure have changed throughout my 42 years on this earth. Life has a way of growing us in spite of ourselves.
I will leave you with this...Be careful who you hate; it may be someone you love.
Now, to those students who love me and appreciate my efforts, you are my reason!! You are why God placed me in the classroom! You make my world complete and have given me the most joy! Thank you for allowing me to be part of you!! I’ll love you forever!!!
