The Killer B's

The Killer B's
The Killer B's

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Tis Only a Season

What comes to mind when you think about seasons? It very well may be the beautiful colors of fall or the glistening of freshly fallen snow or the excitement of new growth or the wonder found in the freedom summer holds. In Georgia we like to pack all four seasons into one week because if we are honest, the majority of the year is spent slinking around the fiery gates of hell. If there is one thing South Georgia knows how to do, it is HEAT. We don’t really  have clear-cut seasons or at least our seasons don’t last longer than a little while -- maybe a few weeks. Okay, okay, a few days. Maybe that’s why I have been struggling with the idea of seasons lately. Maybe I believe I am supposed to remain in the same season ALL the time, but I’m NOT. I don’t think I was ever supposed to. I am learning that. More.Every.Single.Day. And you know, I am okay with seasons ending and new ones beginning. However, it took me a quick second to be okay with it, but my eyes are focused on God’s timing and planning more clearly now. He’s perfect y’all!

I am a firm believer God places us in situations or locations or around certain people for a season. Those seasons may be like summer in Georgia. You may flourish in that one particular season for an extended period of time, but then again it may be like winter in Georgia. You may only be in that season for a brief moment because He needs you elsewhere.

I REALLY struggle with my life calling or purpose. I bet you know people who knew they were called to be a preacher, teacher, doctor, housewife or whatever since they were like 10. Well, I am not those kinda people. I never felt called to a specific profession per se. I didn’t become a teacher for education’s sake. Instead, I used my placement in the education field as an opportunity to minister, and if I am honest, to be ministered to. When I left teaching college to enter into a public high school, I was doing it more to be on a schedule with my own children than to follow a call, but I immediately fell into the exact season God needed me. I was exactly in the place God wanted me ministering to the exact people God divinely placed in my path. I was absolutely undeniably where I was supposed to be. It was perfect!! Well, it was perfect until it wasn’t. During my last year at the high school, unhappiness crept all over me almost becoming palpable. I no longer wanted to be at the high school. My joy was slowly being depleted. I was hurting. I was hesitant. I wasn't sure I wanted to remain.

Was I just being selfish? Was I allowing Satan to trump the Savior? Wasn’t I following God’s call on my life? If I left, would I be being disobedient to God? I grappled with my wanting to leave. Why would my joy leave if I was supposed to be there? Why would God take away that joy? Maybe God didn’t take it away? Maybe it was hijacked?? I just didn’t know, but I did leave the high school and headed to the elementary school. I wasn’t certain I was doing the right thing. I still grapple with that decision.
 
However, looking back I believe it is very simple…the season ended. I had done the work that was needed for that particular harvest. What is even better now that I can look back is that I realize that just because a season ends doesn’t mean the season is forever over. Seasons offer rebirth and renewal each and every year. Isn’t that an amazing concept -- the seasonal ebb and flow? I very well may end back up at the high school one day, and I will be perfectly fine if that is where God leads and needs me. He continues to move me into new places with new missions focusing on new people. Just as God is in control of the seasons each year, he is in control of the seasons of time in each of our lives.

I have found that you have people you believe will be in your life forever, who leave. You have people who you never expected to even be in your life become your forevers. You have people leave and those same people return when the time is right. God’s timing is perfect y’all! You may feel at home somewhere and all of a sudden feel like a stranger. So, trust in the journey and seek the place God has prepared just for you. Don’t for one second believe that God would ever lead you somewhere that doesn’t set your soul on fire or surround you with people who don't accept and love you for who you are.

“And this is the plan: At the RIGHT time He will bring everything together under the authority of Christ-everything in heaven and on earth. Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for He chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to His plan.”   Ephesians 1:10-11

God’s got plans for you my dear friend. The people you fall in love with are there for a purpose. The people who crush your heart are there for a purpose. The job you adore is there for a purpose. The job you detest…yep…it has a purpose too. The people who tear you down. The people who build you up. The strains and burdens. The joys and triumphs. The trials and victories. They were all put in your path to prepare you for what lies ahead of you.

This morning the preacher spoke of remember when moments. He said, “When you get a victory from God, remember it because it is in the remembering of that victory our confidence in God is built.” How absolutely breathtakingly true is that statement!!! I sure needed to hear that this morning. You have NO idea, but that’s another day and another blog post.

Remember when (see what I did there) I talked about my time at the high school? You see the ONLY reason I was at that particular church this morning to hear that particular message I needed to hear is because one of my favorite people (who happened to be a high school student during my tenure there) started dating a particular girl who happened to live in another town. She became and still is one of my favorite people (even though they broke up after four years L) Anyway…

That particular girl grew up and was helping plant this particular church in a neighboring town. When she was talking with me about this particular church, I knew if the other people at this church were anything like her, I needed to experience it. I am sooooo glad I did because I am certain God has placed me exactly where I need to be in order to minister to exactly who I need to minister to. See how He worked all of that out soooo many years ago. Don’t you just love to FEEL the presence? I am still waiting to see exactly what form this new victory will be for me, but I am excited to experience it.


So, if you are hesitant about the seasons of your life, remember God is preparing you! Celebrate this season because like our preacher said this morning, “God can do much more than you think you can.” Paul tells us this same thing in Ephesians 3:20, “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish INFINITELY MORE than we might ask or think.” So, go…Be MORE!!

Thursday, April 13, 2017

And then I cried

My soul hurts tonight. I struggle most days because I come across as a bitch. This is not a new phenomenon. I have been hearing, “I thought you were a bitch until I got to know you” for as long as I can remember. However, it always pleases me once people get to know me and learn my heart. I’m the first to admit my mouth and my heart don’t always match. So, I’ll be honest and acknowledge I can be a real bitch at times, but I don’t want to be. I’m terrified tonight people may have construed my actions as bitchy when they were more signs of frustration which later turned into brokenness.

Sports bring out the best in people. Right? (Insert laughing until you cry emoji here)

Will, my husband, and I faithfully coach recreation teams (football, basketball and baseball). We’ve been doing it for more than 10 years. I have also coached school teams and squads. One of my favorite parts about life is being involved in the lives of players and watching them grow as athletes and people. I can only hope that through my years somewhere along the way, I did make a difference and wasn’t too much of a bitch.

However after tonight, I am not sure I will be back. I NEVER want to display anything but positive behavior in front of children. I NEVER tolerate children using the term, “They’re cheating” when referencing a call by a referee or an umpire. I strongly believe ONE call doesn’t determine a game. I try my very best to help and cheer on all the players on the rec field/court.

I have taught my personal children to ALWAYS acknowledge a good play or effort even by the opponent especially on the recreation level because those are those boys who will be their teammates one day. I have tried to do my best at this too. Have I failed at times? Probably so. Hell, I’m a parent! Don’t we always want the most FOR our own children? Yes, I do. I can admit that!!

But at the rec department, I genuinely try to be an encouragement as well as a voice of reason because these little children can be brutal with the smack talk. I teach elementary school and the things I hear from even the littlest mouth makes me sad. It’s just a game, children! We will all be on the same team one day.

So, what was so bad tonight? The books. When I say I really don’t care who won or lost tonight, I honestly mean that! I, of course like most people, love to win. So, yeah, I wanted the “W.” However, it’s recreation ball. It’s not that big of a deal. I generally don’t question things at the game. I just go with the flow and let whatever happens happen, but tonight I was confused and simply wanted to see the difference. When I saw the official book, I immediately noticed the error. I tried to explain how the play went down, but whatever. I’m not even upset about the books being wrong anymore. Keeping the book is hard.  After the game, I asked the umpire if he remembered the play and he agreed with my book…but again…it was over. So, I didn’t acknowledge it. Like I said, I don’t care who won. I would have liked the score to be right just because it does mean something to these kids, my kid.

But I said my soul was hurting. So, what hurt me? Another adult!! He said to me, “You don’t have to be out here” when we were discussing what was going on with the book. Now that HURT my feelings. I don’t fuss normally and definitely not in front of the players. I teach those kids and don't need to see me having a fit. So, I don't. EVER! The parents of the children/players I have taught/coached will back me up on this. I even said to the adult, “You know I don’t usually fuss.” His response was, “Well you are right now.” And I suppose to some degree I was. But his words hurt me on a much deeper level because I thought he respected my devoting my time and energy to this program.

I don’t just let things go. I can’t. I hold on to them. They linger in my head. My soul aches over them. My internal workings are a little screwed up like that. Tonight, I kept myself as composed until I got to my van and then I cried. I cried most of the way home and am still crying now.

Really, I don’t have to be out there? You don’t need me? Okay, then maybe I won’t return…

Because I NEVER want to have a negative impact on a child. I never want my actions or words to teach a child to be anything but positive and kind even in extreme circumstances. I know I have failed at this. You don’t have to tell me or even roll your eyes when you read this. I know!! I do wish you could directly see my heart though and then you would understand how well I know my daily failures. The amount of anxiety I have over things I have said or done is astounding. I want and desire to show others the love of Christ. I want to be able to show His level of forgiveness too. And on some days I simply don’t.

I promise I don’t want to be a crazy bitch. I really don’t. I know I can be, and I apologize for that. I promise my heart hurts more than you can fathom for making someone feel any sort of way. Life is so freaking hard! There are days I feel more like a failure than a success on the important things in life. We too often let the trivial become more important than the meaningful…family, relationships, showing love and supporting others. That's what matters!

For those of you who know me well, I am not worried about how you see me because you HAVE seen my heart and you know the truth. You are the people that literally keep me going when I don’t feel like I can go anymore. I can never repay those people for giving me hope and happiness.

For those of you who kinda know me, I promise you I am so much more than you think. Under the big and loud exterior, there is an anxiety-laden, slightly depressed little girl who simply wants love to rule her life. She prays that in some SMALL way she’s helped someone else feel loved. She prays she can be forgiven for all the times she may have made someone feel anything other than loved.


Tonight, she prays that she can find the courage to return to the ball field!!!

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Life Letdowns turn into Lessons on LOVE!

Generally speaking, aren’t jobs supposed to get easier the longer you do them? Well, I have decided that parenting is no generality. The longer I parent the more I question my skills, and it really has less to do with actually parenting my children than it does with handling all of the outside forces that come into play…friends, other parents, school, sports, coaches, processing disorders, and other such things.

I constantly question my choices on all things because I am an over analyzer and worrier anyway. So, throw in the outside sources and I am surprised I haven’t developed an ulcer this school year. 

At one time in this life of mine, I loved people. I would have even consider myself a people person. Imagine that! I used to give my Mama hell for being an unsocial hermit, but I got older. I experience the uglier sides of people. The older I've gotten and the more experieces I've had, the more respect I gain for a life secluded from people. To be honest, I actually hate that I feel like a misanthrope.

However, when the people and institutions in your life that are supposed to hold you up when you can’t hold yourself up falter and let you fall, you lose your confidence in humanity, and in that loss you find yourself becoming bitter and jaded. And slowly your personality changes. You build walls. You push people away. You say things you might want to take back. You struggle. You hurt. You lay awake at night consumed with thoughts. Throw your children in the mix and these thoughts and feelings are amplified because you do all of the above on their behalf too. Don’t forget your spouse. His worries and letdowns become yours too. 

I’ll be the first to admit the person who I have become is not a person I am proud of or even like very much, but as life continues to get messy, I find it harder and harder to pull myself up out of the drowning waves of people and return to the person I am meant to be. The people who let me down or hurt my children or make my husband feel some sort of way have damaged me in a way I am afraid is changing me permanently. 

But I can’t let that happen. That is not the person God needs me to be. I can’t let the bitterness and selfishness of the world change me into those things. What I have to do is learn that I am not designed to depend on people because they are not the ones I have been called to live for.

I can’t expect others to put my children first that is my job. I am my children’s advocate.  No matter what classroom they are placed I will make it my mission to ensure their learning disabilities do not limit their opportunities. No matter how loud a coach yells at them and makes them question themselves I will make sure my words of encouragement are louder. No matter how cruel the playground is I will teach them to always rise above (even though I still struggle with that myself). No matter what, my children will know they are loved. Because they are. I LOVE them with all of who I am.

The love I have for my children reminds me just how important we are to God. When I think about the ruthlessness of my words or actions when my children are in the mix, I prove how unconditional God’s love is for His children. At some point this year, each of my children have been treated in a questionable manner. In each situation, my mind ran an emotional marathon questioning how to handle the situation with them or for them.  I was consumed with how to make things better making sure my kids didn’t give up or get upset. God does that for us, doesn’t he? 

God is consumed with making our life better. He wants the absolute best for us. He will fight for us when we can’t fight for ourselves. He will cheer for us when others don’t. He will love us when we think we aren’t worth loving. God will  lift us up when others tear us down. God doesn’t give up on His children. He keeps pushing them until they are actually doing his will without even realizing it. Like right now….see…

God has been on me about writing, and I’ve continued to push it to the background saying I will do it later. How bout in the midst of writing this blog post God started pulling me above the waves, which have been drowning me, with the words I was typing. He was willing me to write. He was changing me. Changing my heart. Giving me purpose. Giving me Hope. Don’t you just love that??

This entire school year I have been preoccupied by what PEOPLE think. I try to tell myself I don’t care what people think, but I do.. Their words or looks or comments or posts or actions do affect me on a very deep level, and as many times as I try to say I don’t care, I DO. I am trying to learn how to not allow those things to determine my self-worth, but that’s hard work, my friends!

I tend to remember those things that hurt me, and unfortunately, our humanness makes it so hard to forget words and looks and posts. I am learning to let those things move me and allow God to use that movement to change me into something beautiful instead of bitter. I have always wished people could see hearts. The communication of the heart is so much truer and purer than words or even actions. I know mine is. My words and or actions definitely don’t always match the fullness of my heart.

So, if you are reading this, I am asking for a favor…PRAY for me. Pray for my heart to be shown. Pray for my faith to be constantly renewed as it was while writing this. Pray for my obedience to God’s call on my life.  Pray that the love I have for my children never overshadow my walk with Christ!

Today’s writing was for me, but I believe it was easy to see God literally work through me from the start to the finish of this post. It is days like today that proves God’s presence is REAL! Hope you felt it too while reading. Before it is all over He may just make me a people person again ;) 





Monday, January 16, 2017

Good Question, Coach!

A coach/parent/friend of mine posed a question on Facebook a couple of days ago. He asked WHY a parent is so quick to approach a coach about the amount of playing time their child is or is not getting, but that same parent will not approach a teacher or the school to question why their child is failing their academic classes. Immediate responses call into question parents and the parents’ pride or need for their child to have perceivable value. Some parents are looking for their child to be the next “great” thing to come out of their town. While I agree wholeheartedly with these thoughts, I believe the reasoning may run deeper. Why do parents have those prideful needs? I believe it is a cultural problem. Our priorities in this country have become exceptionally skewed because we place too much emphasis on superstardom. We celebrate the stars not the TEAM!!

For instance just last night when the Green Bay Packers beat the Cowboys, the commentators said, “Aaron Rodgers moves on.”  Last time I checked Aaron Rodgers is not the Green Bay Packers. He is only one player out of 11 on the field. Nothing against Aaron Rodgers, but it is the idea that our society places too much grandeur on individual players and bypasses the greatness of TEAM. My husband and I are constantly telling our boys that no one person wins or loses a game. That every player has a purpose even if that player doesn’t see the field or court during a game.

I LOVE sports, but I believe it is the team part of sports that teaches our children the greatest lessons. I LOVE winning, but I believe it is just as important to learn to lose with class and dignity by leaving it all on the court/field. I LOVE to be a starter, but I believe having to bust your ass in order make the starting five or 11 or nine teaches how hard work and diligence elevates you as a person. I LOVE to talk shit, but I believe the best talk is shown through your impeccable skills. I LOVE teamwork, and I believe it is imperative to teach our children that one of their greatest roles on a team is to build up the players around and under them. As a team member we should NEVER tear down a teammate if they make a mistake. Players need to understand that individual stats don’t matter!! If your TEAM loses, you lose.

Unfortunately, the problem of stardom and winning is not one that sits solely with players and parents. I have seen coaches, throughout my years, who rewarded kids based on speed and size rather than on attitude and commitment. I am not stupid and completely understand the importance of speed and size in sports, but when we reward kids based solely on their athletic ability and not on their work ethic, we, as coaches, are part of the problem. I can bet you that if a kid lacks work ethic on the court/field, he or she lacks work ethic in the classroom as well. If a kid has a bad attitude or lacks respect toward a coaching staff, that same kid will be a discipline problem on the field/court and give teachers problems in the classroom and more than likely will not be a productive member of society in the long run. 

I try my hardest to instill within my own children (not always successful mind you) that those athletes, who work hard at school work, learn how to critically think, and make good grades, are the best athletes. I tell my kids that at some point your size and speed will be a moot point if you don’t understand how to run a play or how to read the defense in order to know which play to run. Great players are SMART players!!

Michael Jordan once said, “Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence wins championships.” I urge you all to challenge the young people under your influence to seek out knowledge. Help them see the importance of words and people. Words make up sentences which create paragraphs that give us books of wisdom. Wisdom which grows our minds into organs of understanding giving us the ability to think, create, and love. Help these young people understand that the people who surround us provide us with the foundation to mold ourselves into a generous community. A community capable of unlimited success. We need each other to be great. No one achieves greatness alone.

My goal as a mother, teacher, and coach is to always help children see they have what it takes to be successful, but they first need to understand success is not defined by wins or loses. Success is determined by how you conducted yourself during the game. How will you play the game of life?

Here's how I want to play: Love God. Love Others. Live Enthusiastically. Work Hard. Have Fun.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

I can't judge only God can

Have you ever noticed people using the words “I can’t judge only God can”? And then proceed with the words, “And I bet He wouldn’t approve of…”fill in the blank here (I’ve heard it all). Seems to me when people use this tactic, they are putting words and thoughts into Jesus’ mouth. I recently came across such a statement, and it actually angered me. Could it be my toes were stepped on? I suppose it could have. However, my faith and relationship with God is strong enough that what this person was not judging me about didn’t affect me.

The part of the diatribe which bothered me was putting words into Jesus’ mouth. Claiming to know how Jesus would respond to a sinner or to a particular sin is absurd. You don’t know because you do not possess the magnitude of grace and love that Jesus does. You don’t know because you can’t comprehend the intricacies of another person’s PERSONAL relationship with God. I believe we are told not to judge because we don’t even have the capabilities to do so. In order to fairly judge someone, you must know ALL of the story, hear ALL of the evidence, understand multiple points of view, and most importantly know the depths of someone’s heart. When we judge using the “only God can judge” defense, we are saying we know that person’s relationship with God better than he knows himself.

The same people who “don’t judge” are the people who will quickly console someone with “God can use…”fill in the blank with a horrible tragedy. Now that is a statement I totally agree with. God can use ALL things. God can be found in ALL things if you look at it with the lens of Christ!

Don’t hold another person accountable for your struggles. Don’t pretend to love someone with an attempt to not judge their behaviors. Instead, love them past their behaviors. Guess what? Many times you don’t have the capacity to love certain people like that, at least not by yourself. That’s why God lives WITHIN us because HE can LOVE others genuinely. We need to ask for His help in honestly LOVING others.


Romans 12:9 says “Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.” You know what is good? GOD. God is GOOD! Hold on tightly to God and seek his guidance in YOUR walk. Let Him LOVE others through YOU!

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Redeemed Failure

Why is the hardest part actually starting? What actually holds us back? I’ve blogged before about my being lead to write. I still feel that I’ve been called to write…still not completely sure what or why, but I do believe it is something God has worked out for me. However, even my knowing this doesn’t make actually committing to doing it any easier. At first I allowed fear trap me, but it is no longer fear limiting me. I am limiting me. I put it off. I always seem to be busy with my job or my sewing (which has turned into a second job) or my children’s activities or my responsibilities at church. So, my excuse begins with…I’m toooo busy to write. Then there are those moments where I am at my computer, but I find myself not writing. Many times I don’t begin because I don’t know WHAT to say. Yet when I go to God with such a bogus excuse…He is kinda like, “Lana, HELLO! I can’t give you words to write if you don’t write. Just write. Sit down. Make time. Write.” And here’s the thing, I know that. I believe that wholeheartedly, but I still turn away. WHY? This living out your faith thing is HARD! I know God. I trust God. I do believe He can use even ME and my feeble attempt at putting words onto paper, but I still avoid. Maybe it is the “fallen” part of man. We all struggle with being obedient. Maybe I am quick to say we when I should really be saying ME.  I lack obedience. That is why I am SOOOOO glad Jesus came to this earth to provide redemption for my disobedient butt.

Through the years there have been times I bought into the lie of living a life free of sin (like it is even possible). I felt guilt when my walk fell short of perfection. I felt like God was mad at me or disappointed in me for my lack of submission to His will.

Craziness!! God mad at me because I failed Him. That, my friend, just isn’t in His nature. I know this because God made me a parent, and I’ve learned that no matter what my little B’s do to anger me or even when they disappointment me, I can’t look at them without my heart swelling with LOVE (even if I am screaming at them). I LOVE them always. I love them past the tantrums. I love them past the holes in the wall or the busted windows. I love them past the pre-teen sneers of “You hate me.” No my child I don’t hate you, I want the absolute best for you.  ALWAYS! I will LOVE you FOREVER!! 

God sent His SON to earth to secure an opportunity for each of us to live a life in constant connection with Him through the Holy Spirit. In that Spirit God proves to us that His LOVE for us is never-ending. So, to answer to his nudging spirit, I am making a commitment (I have someone in place to hold me accountable to said commitment) to publish a blog post at least once a week.  


Though I know I will continue to fail God daily with my life, I am praying even those failures will strengthen my relationship with Him and my ability to feel and listen to His spirit. I plead with those who are reading my words to pray for me. Please pray for my words to be a reflection of His spirit-living within me. Please pray I will listen closely to His direction. Please pray for me to hold true to my commitment. Please just pray...God has plans for me! Of this I am certain!!

Sunday, April 19, 2015

You make me BRAVE

The moment when a teenager’s faithfulness causes you to truly examine your own faith is a great moment. This morning during Sunday school we were discussing what we (and by we, I mean my church’s youth group) would do for our youth-led service coming up. We were looking at the lyrics to several worship songs from Bethel and Hillsong. Ultimately, we discussed fear, and how fear doesn’t exist of God. Fear exists because of man. We create the fear that lives within us, and our fear limits God. Most of the time fear is fueled by our own comfort. Initially, I think of comfort as physical things. Maybe we are afraid to give up the physical things that make our life comfortable. However, the more I contemplated how I was limiting God the more I saw my insecurities.

I lack confidence in my most all of my abilities. I honestly feel God has called me to write, but I am uncertain of what platform to use in accomplishing this task. When I question God on this, His response always is, “Just WRITE. I can’t work through you unless you write.” So, I started this blog as an attempt to explore writing for an audience. As you can see, I haven’t published a total of NINE posts. Nine post in almost an ENTIRE year. Why? Well, that one is easy…insecurity…WHAT PEOPLE THINK! That’s why I rarely promote my writing on Facebook. Oh, how I wish I didn’t care what others thought of me. I often try to convince myself I don’t, but I do. I REALLY do! My BFF can tell you I over-think, over-analyze, and exaggerate EVERYTHING, even the tiniest of things. It may be what people say or do or even what they don’t do. I worry, stress, lose sleep, and generally, make myself sick over such. I really am surprised I don't have an ulcer. 

The fact that I am about to share with the world wide web my writing scares the living hell out of me. I might have develop an ulcer after this. Lol! One night during youth, I had the kids reflect and write something. I don’t even remember what, but I decided to do the reflection too. During that reflection, God told me to write even if I didn’t know what to write and by not writing I was saying I didn't trust God's power. On the way home, the word sterile popped into my mind. Don’t ask me why I have NO idea!! Through that one word, I formed a pretty amazing sentence (or at least I thought it was pretty awesome) in the five blocks it took me to get home.  I walked in and immediately sat at my computer and typed the sentence. That sentence led to my writing a paragraph….I shall share that first paragraph now…
 The overwhelming sterility of the room paralyzed my body, my breathing, my speech. However, my mind was flooded with memories or at least what felt like memories. As I looked into the mirror over the sink, my face appeared foreign. My sun-kissed glow was erased by a pale translucent mint. On closer observation, I noticed beads of sweat beginning to form on my forehead.  I found my hands gripping tightly to the sink counter to maintain an upright position.
“Amanda, Is everything alright?,” the nurse whispered as her hand grazed my shoulder. Her touch jerked me out of my trancelike state.
            “Um, yeah, I’m fine.” I found my voice, but I still hadn’t gained control of my mind. Vivid visions of this room attacked my senses. Glimpses of the bright light blinded me. The smell of latex and disinfecting cleaner with a hint of lavender caused a knot to form within my gut that inched toward my throat. I felt as I was moments away from losing any and all contents of my stomach.  I swallow to gain my composure but realize I am no longer standing. I sense movement around me, and I feel two, cold fingers lay atop my wrist with a slight pressure followed by a cold sensation on my chest. All I see is black. I don’t understand what is going on. Where am I? I think as I hear a comforting voice. A voice I know accompanied by a face I do not. Coming out of my swoon, anxiety creeps upon me again. I am unable to acquire control over my breathing pattern as I see this unfamiliar face. I am simply unable to breathe.  As I gasp for breathe, his hand reaches for my arm. His soft fingers grip my arm while his thumb provides me with a gentle comfort in an ever so soft caress.
            “Miss Shepherd, I need you to breathe. Please, just breathe.”
I find myself focused on his melodic voice. It is his voice that allows my lungs to find rhythm again. His voice has brought order back to my world.
…and the paragraph turned into a page. Each time I sit down I write a few more words and those words form paragraphs which transform into pages. I now have written a total of 92 pages.

I am still scared to death about sharing my writing. My heart is racing, my throat feels tight, and my fingers are shaking as I am typing because this post exposes MY writing, a part of me I don't share very often. I have NEVER considered myself a writer. Actually, I always thought I was horrible at writing. I know that I still SUCK at grammar particularly tenses and commas, but my mama told me that is why editors exist. I have a couple of grammar gurus I trust who have promised to take an editorial look at it, but I have only recently been brave enough to let outside people read it.

Tonight is me stepping WAY outside of my comfort zone to live out what I preach to my youth group. I suppose to be considered a writer one must first have an audience. As I see my audience, I pray for courage and peace from a God who abolishes fear. From the words of Bethel, “You make me brave, You make me brave, You call me out beyond the shore into the waves, You make me brave, You make me brave, No fear can hinder now the love that made a way!”


If you took the time to read this post, I LOVE YOU!! Thank you for supporting me past my insecurities…