Pass The Salt

Vulnerability lends itself to transparency, which creates a clear heart for open and honest communication. Years ago, a friend told me my voice was the strongest when writing from a place of vulnerability. Last week, I blogged for the first time in THREE years. There was some vulnerability in those words. Before last week, I had the desire to write, but my voice had been silent. Legitimately, not certain of what I should write. No purpose. There were times when I wanted to create an open dialogue for the reconciliation of differences but didn’t have the energy to deal with the repercussions of people. Today, I decided the repercussions, judgment, and opinions no longer mattered to me. 

I walked away from the church for a little while, not necessarily God or Jesus, the church. During Covid and the aftermath of the pandemic, I was tired, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Some days, I simply was too tired from the pandemic/virtual school week to physically go anywhere on the weekends. Some days, it was the divisiveness that was occurring over a vaccination. The division was UGLY. Some days, it was just me questioning theology. During that time, I was teaching World Literature and we were reading Elie Wiesel’s autobiography, Night. If you have really thought about the Holocaust, how can you not have questions? 

Questioning the church’s theology should not cost us our faith or our friends. However, early on we are trained to trust blindly and not question the Bible, the preacher, or the universal church. This doesn’t sit well with me because what if, our personal questioning is where the Truth is revealed for our lives? I don’t feel we are allowed to openly have questions nor is there a safe space to have hard conversations about religion. Our unbelief and uncertainty should be discussed openly with freedom, acceptance, and understanding. However, these conversations lead to being shunned and ostracized. We don’t feel there is a place for us at the table anymore. 

I think this is where I have been sitting for the last three years, alone and uncertain. I can remember teaching children to question everything and not blindly conform to things just because their parents or preachers told them. I quickly noticed these children and their parents stopped interacting with me as much. See how quick questions can cause you to be alone.  

This morning, the focus of the sermon was on salt and light. The preacher discussed how salt loses its flavor because of impurities or because it’s been diluted. My initial question was: What happens when the church becomes the impurity in your life? I’m betting that will be considered a very unpopular question, but my heart hurts when I watch the people of the church hurt others. When the people of the church have an opportunity to stand up for someone in their time of need, but those upstanding church folks stand by and watch as that person’s life implodes. 

I’ve felt my flavor fade over the last three years. When it was said this morning, “If salt loses its taste it has lost its purpose.” I haven’t felt anything so deeply in quite a long time because I have questioned my purpose on a continuous loop for the last few years. Once so determined that writing was a divine gift that God brought to me, I no longer have the words or the desire to find them. Once absolutely certain that teenagers were my reason, I now contemplate leaving education over and over. Once faithful in seeing past the unfortunate and trusting in the direction it would lead, I cry uncontrollably with complete rain clouds blocking the view of where to go next. 

The significance in all this is that I have been BEGGING God for months to help me feel something. ANYTHING. For someone who had an absolute certainty of the divine’s touch on her life, living in unbelief has been debilitating. Today with conviction and trust,  I sang the words, “I sing a hallelujah louder than the unbelief.” Tonight, I have words and the desire to type them out again. God is moving and just maybe isn’t done with me yet. Though my heart and soul still struggle with questions and my mind still carries some unbelief, I did feel the presence of God today. I do feel that spark and pray that it will fan into a flame. Even if I am not as salty as I once was, may my light have the ability to grow brighter and be a safe and encouraging space for all those who question yet seek. May my light mimic the love of God.