And then I cried

My soul hurts tonight. I struggle most days because I come across as a bitch. This is not a new phenomenon. I have been hearing, “I thought you were a bitch until I got to know you” for as long as I can remember. However, it always pleases me once people get to know me and learn my heart. I’m the first to admit my mouth and my heart don’t always match. So, I’ll be honest and acknowledge I can be a real bitch at times, but I don’t want to be. I’m terrified tonight people may have construed my actions as bitchy when they were more signs of frustration which later turned into brokenness.

Sports bring out the best in people. Right? (Insert laughing until you cry emoji here)

Will, my husband, and I faithfully coach recreation teams (football, basketball and baseball). We’ve been doing it for more than 10 years. I have also coached school teams and squads. One of my favorite parts about life is being involved in the lives of players and watching them grow as athletes and people. I can only hope that through my years somewhere along the way, I did make a difference and wasn’t too much of a bitch.

However after tonight, I am not sure I will be back. I NEVER want to display anything but positive behavior in front of children. I NEVER tolerate children using the term, “They’re cheating” when referencing a call by a referee or an umpire. I strongly believe ONE call doesn’t determine a game. I try my very best to help and cheer on all the players on the rec field/court.

I have taught my personal children to ALWAYS acknowledge a good play or effort even by the opponent especially on the recreation level because those are those boys who will be their teammates one day. I have tried to do my best at this too. Have I failed at times? Probably so. Hell, I’m a parent! Don’t we always want the most FOR our own children? Yes, I do. I can admit that!!

But at the rec department, I genuinely try to be an encouragement as well as a voice of reason because these little children can be brutal with the smack talk. I teach elementary school and the things I hear from even the littlest mouth makes me sad. It’s just a game, children! We will all be on the same team one day.

So, what was so bad tonight? The books. When I say I really don’t care who won or lost tonight, I honestly mean that! I, of course like most people, love to win. So, yeah, I wanted the “W.” However, it’s recreation ball. It’s not that big of a deal. I generally don’t question things at the game. I just go with the flow and let whatever happens happen, but tonight I was confused and simply wanted to see the difference. When I saw the official book, I immediately noticed the error. I tried to explain how the play went down, but whatever. I’m not even upset about the books being wrong anymore. Keeping the book is hard.  After the game, I asked the umpire if he remembered the play and he agreed with my book…but again…it was over. So, I didn’t acknowledge it. Like I said, I don’t care who won. I would have liked the score to be right just because it does mean something to these kids, my kid.

But I said my soul was hurting. So, what hurt me? Another adult!! He said to me, “You don’t have to be out here” when we were discussing what was going on with the book. Now that HURT my feelings. I don’t fuss normally and definitely not in front of the players. I teach those kids and don't need to see me having a fit. So, I don't. EVER! The parents of the children/players I have taught/coached will back me up on this. I even said to the adult, “You know I don’t usually fuss.” His response was, “Well you are right now.” And I suppose to some degree I was. But his words hurt me on a much deeper level because I thought he respected my devoting my time and energy to this program.

I don’t just let things go. I can’t. I hold on to them. They linger in my head. My soul aches over them. My internal workings are a little screwed up like that. Tonight, I kept myself as composed until I got to my van and then I cried. I cried most of the way home and am still crying now.

Really, I don’t have to be out there? You don’t need me? Okay, then maybe I won’t return…

Because I NEVER want to have a negative impact on a child. I never want my actions or words to teach a child to be anything but positive and kind even in extreme circumstances. I know I have failed at this. You don’t have to tell me or even roll your eyes when you read this. I know!! I do wish you could directly see my heart though and then you would understand how well I know my daily failures. The amount of anxiety I have over things I have said or done is astounding. I want and desire to show others the love of Christ. I want to be able to show His level of forgiveness too. And on some days I simply don’t.

I promise I don’t want to be a crazy bitch. I really don’t. I know I can be, and I apologize for that. I promise my heart hurts more than you can fathom for making someone feel any sort of way. Life is so freaking hard! There are days I feel more like a failure than a success on the important things in life. We too often let the trivial become more important than the meaningful…family, relationships, showing love and supporting others. That's what matters!

For those of you who know me well, I am not worried about how you see me because you HAVE seen my heart and you know the truth. You are the people that literally keep me going when I don’t feel like I can go anymore. I can never repay those people for giving me hope and happiness.

For those of you who kinda know me, I promise you I am so much more than you think. Under the big and loud exterior, there is an anxiety-laden, slightly depressed little girl who simply wants love to rule her life. She prays that in some SMALL way she’s helped someone else feel loved. She prays she can be forgiven for all the times she may have made someone feel anything other than loved.

Tonight, she prays that she can find the courage to return to the ball field!!!

Life Letdowns turn into Lessons on LOVE!

Generally speaking, aren’t jobs supposed to get easier the longer you do them? Well, I have decided that parenting is no generality. The longer I parent the more I question my skills, and it really has less to do with actually parenting my children than it does with handling all of the outside forces that come into play…friends, other parents, school, sports, coaches, processing disorders, and other such things.

I constantly question my choices on all things because I am an over analyzer and worrier anyway. So, throw in the outside sources and I am surprised I haven’t developed an ulcer this school year. 

At one time in this life of mine, I loved people. I would have even consider myself a people person. Imagine that! I used to give my Mama hell for being an unsocial hermit, but I got older. I experience the uglier sides of people. The older I've gotten and the more experieces I've had, the more respect I gain for a life secluded from people. To be honest, I actually hate that I feel like a misanthrope.

However, when the people and institutions in your life that are supposed to hold you up when you can’t hold yourself up falter and let you fall, you lose your confidence in humanity, and in that loss you find yourself becoming bitter and jaded. And slowly your personality changes. You build walls. You push people away. You say things you might want to take back. You struggle. You hurt. You lay awake at night consumed with thoughts. Throw your children in the mix and these thoughts and feelings are amplified because you do all of the above on their behalf too. Don’t forget your spouse. His worries and letdowns become yours too. 

I’ll be the first to admit the person who I have become is not a person I am proud of or even like very much, but as life continues to get messy, I find it harder and harder to pull myself up out of the drowning waves of people and return to the person I am meant to be. The people who let me down or hurt my children or make my husband feel some sort of way have damaged me in a way I am afraid is changing me permanently. 

But I can’t let that happen. That is not the person God needs me to be. I can’t let the bitterness and selfishness of the world change me into those things. What I have to do is learn that I am not designed to depend on people because they are not the ones I have been called to live for.

I can’t expect others to put my children first that is my job. I am my children’s advocate.  No matter what classroom they are placed I will make it my mission to ensure their learning disabilities do not limit their opportunities. No matter how loud a coach yells at them and makes them question themselves I will make sure my words of encouragement are louder. No matter how cruel the playground is I will teach them to always rise above (even though I still struggle with that myself). No matter what, my children will know they are loved. Because they are. I LOVE them with all of who I am.

The love I have for my children reminds me just how important we are to God. When I think about the ruthlessness of my words or actions when my children are in the mix, I prove how unconditional God’s love is for His children. At some point this year, each of my children have been treated in a questionable manner. In each situation, my mind ran an emotional marathon questioning how to handle the situation with them or for them.  I was consumed with how to make things better making sure my kids didn’t give up or get upset. God does that for us, doesn’t he? 

God is consumed with making our life better. He wants the absolute best for us. He will fight for us when we can’t fight for ourselves. He will cheer for us when others don’t. He will love us when we think we aren’t worth loving. God will  lift us up when others tear us down. God doesn’t give up on His children. He keeps pushing them until they are actually doing his will without even realizing it. Like right now….see…

God has been on me about writing, and I’ve continued to push it to the background saying I will do it later. How bout in the midst of writing this blog post God started pulling me above the waves, which have been drowning me, with the words I was typing. He was willing me to write. He was changing me. Changing my heart. Giving me purpose. Giving me Hope. Don’t you just love that??

This entire school year I have been preoccupied by what PEOPLE think. I try to tell myself I don’t care what people think, but I do.. Their words or looks or comments or posts or actions do affect me on a very deep level, and as many times as I try to say I don’t care, I DO. I am trying to learn how to not allow those things to determine my self-worth, but that’s hard work, my friends!

I tend to remember those things that hurt me, and unfortunately, our humanness makes it so hard to forget words and looks and posts. I am learning to let those things move me and allow God to use that movement to change me into something beautiful instead of bitter. I have always wished people could see hearts. The communication of the heart is so much truer and purer than words or even actions. I know mine is. My words and or actions definitely don’t always match the fullness of my heart.

So, if you are reading this, I am asking for a favor…PRAY for me. Pray for my heart to be shown. Pray for my faith to be constantly renewed as it was while writing this. Pray for my obedience to God’s call on my life.  Pray that the love I have for my children never overshadow my walk with Christ!

Today’s writing was for me, but I believe it was easy to see God literally work through me from the start to the finish of this post. It is days like today that proves God’s presence is REAL! Hope you felt it too while reading. Before it is all over He may just make me a people person again ;)