And then I cried

My soul hurts tonight. I struggle most days because I come across as a bitch. This is not a new phenomenon. I have been hearing, “I thought you were a bitch until I got to know you” for as long as I can remember. However, it always pleases me once people get to know me and learn my heart. I’m the first to admit my mouth and my heart don’t always match. So, I’ll be honest and acknowledge I can be a real bitch at times, but I don’t want to be. I’m terrified tonight people may have construed my actions as bitchy when they were more signs of frustration which later turned into brokenness.

Sports bring out the best in people. Right? (Insert laughing until you cry emoji here)

Will, my husband, and I faithfully coach recreation teams (football, basketball and baseball). We’ve been doing it for more than 10 years. I have also coached school teams and squads. One of my favorite parts about life is being involved in the lives of players and watching them grow as athletes and people. I can only hope that through my years somewhere along the way, I did make a difference and wasn’t too much of a bitch.

However after tonight, I am not sure I will be back. I NEVER want to display anything but positive behavior in front of children. I NEVER tolerate children using the term, “They’re cheating” when referencing a call by a referee or an umpire. I strongly believe ONE call doesn’t determine a game. I try my very best to help and cheer on all the players on the rec field/court.

I have taught my personal children to ALWAYS acknowledge a good play or effort even by the opponent especially on the recreation level because those are those boys who will be their teammates one day. I have tried to do my best at this too. Have I failed at times? Probably so. Hell, I’m a parent! Don’t we always want the most FOR our own children? Yes, I do. I can admit that!!

But at the rec department, I genuinely try to be an encouragement as well as a voice of reason because these little children can be brutal with the smack talk. I teach elementary school and the things I hear from even the littlest mouth makes me sad. It’s just a game, children! We will all be on the same team one day.

So, what was so bad tonight? The books. When I say I really don’t care who won or lost tonight, I honestly mean that! I, of course like most people, love to win. So, yeah, I wanted the “W.” However, it’s recreation ball. It’s not that big of a deal. I generally don’t question things at the game. I just go with the flow and let whatever happens happen, but tonight I was confused and simply wanted to see the difference. When I saw the official book, I immediately noticed the error. I tried to explain how the play went down, but whatever. I’m not even upset about the books being wrong anymore. Keeping the book is hard.  After the game, I asked the umpire if he remembered the play and he agreed with my book…but again…it was over. So, I didn’t acknowledge it. Like I said, I don’t care who won. I would have liked the score to be right just because it does mean something to these kids, my kid.

But I said my soul was hurting. So, what hurt me? Another adult!! He said to me, “You don’t have to be out here” when we were discussing what was going on with the book. Now that HURT my feelings. I don’t fuss normally and definitely not in front of the players. I teach those kids and don't need to see me having a fit. So, I don't. EVER! The parents of the children/players I have taught/coached will back me up on this. I even said to the adult, “You know I don’t usually fuss.” His response was, “Well you are right now.” And I suppose to some degree I was. But his words hurt me on a much deeper level because I thought he respected my devoting my time and energy to this program.

I don’t just let things go. I can’t. I hold on to them. They linger in my head. My soul aches over them. My internal workings are a little screwed up like that. Tonight, I kept myself as composed until I got to my van and then I cried. I cried most of the way home and am still crying now.

Really, I don’t have to be out there? You don’t need me? Okay, then maybe I won’t return…

Because I NEVER want to have a negative impact on a child. I never want my actions or words to teach a child to be anything but positive and kind even in extreme circumstances. I know I have failed at this. You don’t have to tell me or even roll your eyes when you read this. I know!! I do wish you could directly see my heart though and then you would understand how well I know my daily failures. The amount of anxiety I have over things I have said or done is astounding. I want and desire to show others the love of Christ. I want to be able to show His level of forgiveness too. And on some days I simply don’t.

I promise I don’t want to be a crazy bitch. I really don’t. I know I can be, and I apologize for that. I promise my heart hurts more than you can fathom for making someone feel any sort of way. Life is so freaking hard! There are days I feel more like a failure than a success on the important things in life. We too often let the trivial become more important than the meaningful…family, relationships, showing love and supporting others. That's what matters!

For those of you who know me well, I am not worried about how you see me because you HAVE seen my heart and you know the truth. You are the people that literally keep me going when I don’t feel like I can go anymore. I can never repay those people for giving me hope and happiness.

For those of you who kinda know me, I promise you I am so much more than you think. Under the big and loud exterior, there is an anxiety-laden, slightly depressed little girl who simply wants love to rule her life. She prays that in some SMALL way she’s helped someone else feel loved. She prays she can be forgiven for all the times she may have made someone feel anything other than loved.

Tonight, she prays that she can find the courage to return to the ball field!!!