Feelings Are Non-negotiable

 When you are a prisoner of your own feelings, you realize the significance of perception. The problem with perception is perspective. Our perspectives change how we perceive what is real. The bigger problem with reality is YOUR perception does not change MY reality. Too often, we dismiss others because we don’t believe how they see things is accurate, but can you really disagree with a reality that you can’t perceive? Feelings should never be dismissed simply because you disagree; your agreement doesn’t change the realness of those feelings to the other. 

A past co-worker turned friend introduced me to a saying, “Feelings are non-negotiable.” Whether you agree or disagree with another person’s feelings. Whether you meant or didn’t mean to hurt another person’s feelings. Whether you think the other person is acting childish or irrational. IT. DOES. NOT. CHANGE. HOW. THEY. FEEL. Your opinion doesn’t change another person’s emotional viewpoint. How they feel is not up for negotiation. Their feelings are REAL.

You should not dismiss a person’s feelings because you don’t see the situation the same way as they do. Honestly, I need to remember this myself. I get lost in my feelings and circumstances, and in turn, I don’t interact with others in a way that honors their reality. As a teacher, I can be quick to dismiss a student because of their behavior or attitude in my class. I don’t always stop to think through why they are acting out; I instead act in response because of MY personal reality.

As an empath, I get drawn to others through their feelings. I can literally sense their pain or anxiety or hurt. Those are the days when feelings and realities are easy for me. Those days, I’m not completely overcome with my own feelings and can absorb the feelings of others, particularly my students. This allows me an opportunity to actually experience their reality. Sounds hokey, doesn't it? I know, but it’s a legit thing. My intuition allows me to know and feel things I shouldn’t necessarily have access to.

Now, I am not saying I am an all-star at feelings. I am certain I hurt feelings frequently. I know I’ve personally dismissed others because I disagreed with how they said or handled things. I’ve also been dismissed because another person was unable to see the world from my view. I’ve been ignored because someone just made assumptions about my thoughts and feelings. 

Many times, we are so quick to believe others are like us. They respond like us. They understand like us. They react to the same things we do. They need the same things we need. They want the same things we do. However, people are different, even similar ones. Each one of us interacts based on our personal experiences, knowledge, histories, as well as current situations. We can’t know or assume another person wants or needs what we do. Instead, we must be prepared to stop and get to really know and understand the other person. 

As teachers, coaches, co-workers, friends, parents, bosses, preachers, counselors, siblings, spouses, or simply as human beings, we must be aware of feelings. How our actions affect another person’s feelings. How our responses affect another person’s feelings. How another person’s feelings determine their reactions and responses. 

The older I get the more I wish we had a clear and easy way to understand and SEE each other. Sometimes, our incessant need to be right clouds humanity’s desperate cry for understanding. I challenge you to seek understanding, particularly of a misunderstanding. You may be missing out on truly knowing a person and all the wonderful things they have to offer you because you don’t feel or see the world the same. What if their viewpoint is the key to greater understanding?