Changes are Here

I’m not necessarily a pros/cons list type of person. Though I am an overthinker and think through all the pros and cons from many different perspectives repeatedly and in my sleep, I don’t necessarily write out a list. Many years ago I happened into the life of a college professor. I adored it. I loved the freedom and autonomy of the college classroom. My colleagues were awesome, and there aren’t too many places I love better than a college campus. The atmosphere of a university has a liveliness to it like no other. There is a pulsing heartbeat to a college campus that radiates through you as you walk. I loved that as a student and just as much as a professor. My students were fantastic, and I had so many opportunities to witness growth in my students. Yes, I watched many overcome the fear of public speaking, but others I watched grow as human beings. So, why did I leave it? Stupidity...lol! No, I wanted to be on to my children’s school schedule.

When I moved back to public education, I just thought I would return to the path I started before being called to Georgia Southern as an instructor and that path was at an elementary school. Again, even that path I had not originally chosen. My undergraduate and graduate degrees are both in Communication Studies, but teaching was always in the back of my mind. When I left the life of Assistant Professor, I didn’t go back to the elementary regular education classroom. No, I ended up by divine appointment as a co-teacher at the local HIGH school. I did not even interview for that position when I got the job, but I believe that was where God wanted me. My belief was affirmed time and again, but after a little time and multiple changes in administrations that belief wavered a little bit. Unfortunately, I say my belief wavered, but in full disclosure, I believe it was my faith that wavered. I was no longer happy as a person, and I looked for ways to please myself. There was an opening to teach Art at the elementary school, and I lined myself up to make that move.

I have never really admitted this to anyone until today, but during that entire process, I questioned myself. Was I really doing God’s will for my life? Did God really want me to move to the elementary school to teach art? I justified everything I was doing with the level of my personal happiness. God wouldn’t want me to be unhappy, would He? Maybe that was true, or maybe God wanted me to question the move in such a big way because He needed me open to returning one day.

I’ll be the first to admit I LOVED watching my personal babies grown in elementary school. I got to bring them to school. I got to hug them in the halls. I got to watch their programs. I got to talk to their teachers daily. So, maybe God granted me that opportunity as a parent. He gave me a reprieve from my calling to let me grow my own children. My babies are no longer babies, and I decided it was time to listen and obey God instead of listening and postponing.

I believe the high school has had one or two openings in the English department every year since I left except maybe one. Were these openings God waving at me to gain my attention? Maybe. God might have been giving me an opportunity each year to return. I am not sure, but I do know each time I heard about an opening there was a small nudge in my gut even though I really didn’t want to make the move back. Some years I contemplated the move more than others based on my personal happiness. Finally, the pull became too great. A while ago I decided if I was going to be obedient to God’s call then I had to open my heart to the possibility of returning to the high school. I wasn’t sure if I would end up there or not, but I had to be responsive in my obedience. So, I allowed the administration to know if I was ever needed back I was not opposed to returning. In this declaration, I was not wishing to go back or even applying for any of the openings; I was just allowing myself to be obedient to God’s calling on my heart.

Last Friday during school, I received a call from a number I was not familiar. I got the call in the midst of working a popcorn tent during Farm Day, and I didn’t answer. When I got a second, I listen to the message. It was from the high school principal simply saying he needed to talk with me. He said no one is hurt and nothing was wrong. He just wanted to talk. I have a high school student. Therefore, I listened again to make sure this message wasn’t about Billy, and after listening to the message again, I had a feeling it was about me, not Billy. My feeling proved to be true. We met. We talked. He offered me a position teaching 10th Grade English.

I knew immediately who was in control, but I didn’t immediately say yes. I was scared. I still am, but I prayed. I prayed some more. I talked it over with a few of my closest persons and others who could give me a little insight. I prayed some more. I asked others to pray for me. However, the whole time, though scared and uncertain, I knew what obedience would look like, and it would require me to trade in my whistle for essays and novels.

Let me say this...I LOVED the opportunity to teach art, and the last two years in the gym with my work husband, Coach Boyd, have been AMAZING. I couldn’t ask for a better person to be my sidekick. We have laughed, ate, cried, yelled, fought, made up, sang, danced, ate some more and laughed even harder. I will always love him. I will love him for helping me overcome some dark days and being my confidant. I will not love him for these extra pounds because of all the snacks he brought me. He didn’t like to eat alone. Ha!

The kids at TCES have brightened all of my days, and I will surely miss their hugs and hearing Coach Girl echoing down the hall or when they see me in town and ask, “Where is Coach BOYd?” I guess for them it’s not really goodbye but simply see you in a few years. I love all of you little knuckleheads more than you'll ever know!!

My co-workers... Even on my dark days, I tried so very hard to offer each of you a smile and cheerful hello or words of encouragement or a safe space to vent. I will miss you all! Please know I didn’t enter into this decision to depart in haste, but I had to be true to God’s direction for my heart. Please know you will be in prayers! Continue to push through your hard days, your unhappy days, your days where you feel you don’t matter or no one is listening...YOU ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!!! YOU ARE LOVED!! YOU ARE APPRECIATED!!

And I ask each of you to watch after my baby boy for his last year at the elementary school. I am in tears writing that because he was the most difficult aspect of this decision. He’s my baby, and I have been with him for his entire time at TCES. Though he has the absolute best personality and the sweetest heart, he struggles academically with processing. He hasn’t been formally diagnosed with dyslexia, but his symptoms definitely suggest it as a possibility. So, whoever ends up as his teacher I need for you to love him beyond measure. I need for you to exercise every ounce of patience with his struggles and forgetfulness. I need for you to keep me informed. I need for you to know I love you so much for being there for him.

Though this post was simply a way to give an account of this coming change, I will one day offer more significant details of God’s calling and His speaking over this decision. He is phenomenal in the details of our lives if we are willing to look. So, here’s to new beginnings in familiar places!

Finding Greatness

I suppose the saying “you are your own worst critic” may be one of the most accurate descriptions to define who I am. My critiques aren’t necessarily detrimental because I feel I do many things pretty good and some very good, but I don’t feel like I am great at anything. And I want to be great. Not in a pompous, arrogant way. Not in a look-at-ho- awesome-I-am way. No, I want to be great in a way that says look at God. Look how He has gifted me. Look at the path He has placed me. Look at how His purpose is fulfilled in my life. Just look at God with an awestruck glare at His greatness.

I want my words to be powerful and meaningful. I want my interactions with others to be loving and significant. I want my actions to be bold and intentional. I want my life to make a continual difference for the kingdom.

However, I fail daily because I hurt deeply. With a transparent heart, I admit that life can be hard at times. As much as I want to swallow up hurts, negative thoughts, bitterness and anger, some days I just can’t. I can’t fully allow myself to run in the direction of greatness because I’m shackled with paralyzing tiredness.

I’m tired of fake smiles. I’m tired of heartaches. I’m tired of division. I’m tired of exclusion. I’m tired of selfishness. I’m tired of greed. I’m tired of judgmental attitudes. I’m tired of superiority. I’m tired of conniving. I’m tired of the blame game. I’m tired of petty bullshit. I’m just tired. I’m tired of the world around me darkening the light in my heart and turning me into someone I don’t necessarily like.

Truthfully, I struggle frequently with depression (I haven’t been clinically diagnosed, but I am intelligent enough to know the signs).  I believe my depression is directly related to my desire to live with GREAT purpose but failing. All that tiredness has left me empty, and I’m turning into a culmination of the tired. That is NOT who I want to be, at all! That is NOT who I am meant to be, ever. 

So, I offer this plea to each person who took the time to read this…there is at least one person in your life who needs you. They are struggling, but you wouldn’t necessarily know by looking on the surface. They need you to look deeper. You need to experience their heart. They are trying to keep everything together, and they are succeeding in appearance only, but their heart is hurting. They need you. They need your GENUINE friendship. The need your kind words. They need that hug. They need your prayers. 

And for those of you who are reading this and are looking for your GREAT purpose…keep struggling to find it because it is in that struggle God will prepare you for exactly what He has planned. I know how hard it is to always see beyond the brokenness around you, but I promise you when you have even a moment of clarity, your spirit is moved by glimpses of the GREATNESS that is to come. I can say that with a smile on my heart because as I typed this last paragraph God gave me a glimpse. 

You are loved…marvel in your struggles. Give God all of your tiredness. 

You are GREAT!!

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”      Matthew 11:28-30