I suppose the saying “you are your own worst critic” may be
one of the most accurate descriptions to define who I am. My critiques aren’t
necessarily detrimental because I feel I do many things pretty good and some very
good, but I don’t feel like I am great at anything. And I want to be great. Not
in a pompous, arrogant way. Not in a look-at-ho- awesome-I-am way. No, I want
to be great in a way that says look at God. Look how He has gifted me. Look at the
path He has placed me. Look at how His purpose is fulfilled in my life. Just
look at God with an awestruck glare at His greatness.
I want my words to be powerful and meaningful. I want my interactions
with others to be loving and significant. I want my actions to be bold and
intentional. I want my life to make a continual difference for the kingdom.
However, I fail daily because I hurt deeply. With a
transparent heart, I admit that life can be hard at times. As much as I want to
swallow up hurts, negative thoughts, bitterness and anger, some days I just can’t.
I can’t fully allow myself to run in the direction of greatness because I’m
shackled with paralyzing tiredness.
I’m tired of fake smiles. I’m tired of heartaches. I’m tired
of division. I’m tired of exclusion. I’m tired of selfishness. I’m tired of
greed. I’m tired of judgmental attitudes. I’m tired of superiority. I’m tired
of conniving. I’m tired of the blame game. I’m tired of petty bullshit. I’m just
tired. I’m tired of the world around me darkening the light in my heart and turning
me into someone I don’t necessarily like.
Truthfully, I struggle frequently with depression (I haven’t
been clinically diagnosed, but I am intelligent enough to know the signs). I believe my depression is directly related to
my desire to live with GREAT purpose but failing. All that tiredness has left me empty, and I’m turning into a culmination of the tired. That is NOT who I want
to be, at all! That is NOT who I am meant to be, ever.
So, I offer this plea to each person who took the time to
read this…there is at least one person in your life who needs you. They are
struggling, but you wouldn’t necessarily know by looking on the surface. They
need you to look deeper. You need to experience their heart. They are trying to keep everything together, and they are
succeeding in appearance only, but their heart is hurting. They need you. They need your GENUINE friendship.
The need your kind words. They need that hug. They need your prayers.
And for those of you who are reading this and are looking
for your GREAT purpose…keep struggling to find it because it is in that
struggle God will prepare you for exactly what He has planned. I know how hard it
is to always see beyond the brokenness around you, but I promise you when you
have even a moment of clarity, your spirit is moved by glimpses of the GREATNESS
that is to come. I can say that with a smile on my heart because as I typed this
last paragraph God gave me a glimpse.
You are loved…marvel in your struggles.
Give God all of your tiredness.
You are GREAT!!
28 “Come to me, all you who are
weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from
me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your
souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is
light.” Matthew 11:28-30
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