Feelings Are Non-negotiable

 When you are a prisoner of your own feelings, you realize the significance of perception. The problem with perception is perspective. Our perspectives change how we perceive what is real. The bigger problem with reality is YOUR perception does not change MY reality. Too often, we dismiss others because we don’t believe how they see things is accurate, but can you really disagree with a reality that you can’t perceive? Feelings should never be dismissed simply because you disagree; your agreement doesn’t change the realness of those feelings to the other. 

A past co-worker turned friend introduced me to a saying, “Feelings are non-negotiable.” Whether you agree or disagree with another person’s feelings. Whether you meant or didn’t mean to hurt another person’s feelings. Whether you think the other person is acting childish or irrational. IT. DOES. NOT. CHANGE. HOW. THEY. FEEL. Your opinion doesn’t change another person’s emotional viewpoint. How they feel is not up for negotiation. Their feelings are REAL.

You should not dismiss a person’s feelings because you don’t see the situation the same way as they do. Honestly, I need to remember this myself. I get lost in my feelings and circumstances, and in turn, I don’t interact with others in a way that honors their reality. As a teacher, I can be quick to dismiss a student because of their behavior or attitude in my class. I don’t always stop to think through why they are acting out; I instead act in response because of MY personal reality.

As an empath, I get drawn to others through their feelings. I can literally sense their pain or anxiety or hurt. Those are the days when feelings and realities are easy for me. Those days, I’m not completely overcome with my own feelings and can absorb the feelings of others, particularly my students. This allows me an opportunity to actually experience their reality. Sounds hokey, doesn't it? I know, but it’s a legit thing. My intuition allows me to know and feel things I shouldn’t necessarily have access to.

Now, I am not saying I am an all-star at feelings. I am certain I hurt feelings frequently. I know I’ve personally dismissed others because I disagreed with how they said or handled things. I’ve also been dismissed because another person was unable to see the world from my view. I’ve been ignored because someone just made assumptions about my thoughts and feelings. 

Many times, we are so quick to believe others are like us. They respond like us. They understand like us. They react to the same things we do. They need the same things we need. They want the same things we do. However, people are different, even similar ones. Each one of us interacts based on our personal experiences, knowledge, histories, as well as current situations. We can’t know or assume another person wants or needs what we do. Instead, we must be prepared to stop and get to really know and understand the other person. 

As teachers, coaches, co-workers, friends, parents, bosses, preachers, counselors, siblings, spouses, or simply as human beings, we must be aware of feelings. How our actions affect another person’s feelings. How our responses affect another person’s feelings. How another person’s feelings determine their reactions and responses. 

The older I get the more I wish we had a clear and easy way to understand and SEE each other. Sometimes, our incessant need to be right clouds humanity’s desperate cry for understanding. I challenge you to seek understanding, particularly of a misunderstanding. You may be missing out on truly knowing a person and all the wonderful things they have to offer you because you don’t feel or see the world the same. What if their viewpoint is the key to greater understanding?

Death Is Hard

When death strips away a child from a parent or a parent from a child, the earth seems a little bit duller. Death is hard. My heart hurts a little deeper when I learn of a kid, particularly a high school-aged kid, losing a parent. It hits very close to home for me. Last week, one of our students lost his mother. For a brief moment, when I heard all of my personal memories flooded over me. I watched and felt his grief unfold on the football field. Death is hard.

Losing a parent while in high school is a different kind of hurt. Oh, your friends are there; they try and comfort you, but the majority of them wake up the next morning with their familial unit intact. Nothing changes in their daily lives. However, your daily life is never whole again. Your literal day one sees no more of your days. No ball games. No plays. No graduations. No weddings. No births. No nothing. All of these thoughts permeate your psyche off and on during the coming days, months, and years, not to mention the initial shock of their death cripples you. No voice. No laughter. No smiles. No Nothing. Gone. FOR.EVER. All of that is a LOT for any teenager to handle. It was a lot for me. I cried every night for weeks. Cried until there were no more tears. I remember Will telling me he was worried that I may try to kill myself. I never considered that, but I did retreat from being social, outgoing, wanting to be-around-ALL-the-people to being around the bare minimum, if that. I was sad. I was angry. I was so confused. If it wasn't enough to lose my Daddy at 15, two weeks later (to the day) my granddaddy died. One month later (to the date) my dog got run over. The ole trite adage, "When it rains, it pours," never felt more accurate. 

Lucky for me, my faith was strong at a young age. I relied on it. I deemed it necessary to even begin to make sense of it all. Not all teenagers have that faith. And NOT all teenagers should be expected to gracefully carry the heaviness of such a burden. As weird as this sounds and as much as I'd love to have my daddy here with me, his death provided me with an empathy and compassion and vision that can only be earned through the grief journey. The lessons and love overcoming his death provided me turned me into ME. The greatest gift given to me is the insight of being a vessel for the greater good. 

A few years after my daddy's death, I ended up counseling at a conference where a young boy found out days before that his father had pancreatic cancer. Pancreatic cancer is a death sentence. He came to that conference knowing within six months his father would die. This is the moment when a purpose greater than myself existed through me. I sat with this broken kid on the front steps of his cabin into the wee hours of the morning discussing how death would invade his life in the coming months and years. We laughed and cried and hugged away as much pain as we could. Before my daddy died, I wouldn't have had the tools needed for that moment. "For such a time as this…"

Little did I know, this encounter would be the first of many. Thus far within my life, my path has aligned with so many teenagers who have experienced the death of a parent or loved one. I've also stood in front of a classroom full of students who are hearing for the first time their classmate and friend has died. Oddly, I've felt prepared to handle each situation that I've been placed in with an intuitive spirit. 

Living through hell, whether it be the death of a loved one, alcoholism/addiction, job loss, cancer, infertility, depression, or any number of devastating crises, can equip you to be the light someone else needs in their darkest hour. As hard as it is to embrace and love your hurt, your healing will heal others. Trust and believe.

For those of you who haven't experienced loss or hurt or uncertainty, count yourself as lucky. Or maybe not because you haven't been forced to grow into a more compassionate and empathetic individual. 

For those of you who have experienced loss or hurt or uncertainty, use your experiences to better the world and the people around you. Those people need YOU and everything you have to offer. 

Willingness Breeds Opportunity

A week has passed and I didn't sit down and make time to blog, even now I'm typing on my phone in bed before I fall asleep instead of on a computer at a dedicated space for a given amount of time. Writing for me tends to be something I do out of passion or raw emotion. If I haven't been moved by something, I don't necessarily write. Yet, I feel like writing is a call to ministry in some way for me,  and if I'm not writing then I'm failing to fulfill a purpose in my life. This week I debated about writing about suicide and then contemplated writing about teenagers losing parents because both of those happened in our tiny community this past week. And both of those things did move me in thought. However, the nudge I'm feeling right now has more to do with notching out time to focus on our purpose. 

I kept telling myself this week that I needed to write, but I just didn't feel that I had anything to say. I never made time to actually put words or thoughts onto paper to see if inspiration would flow. I never sat at my computer with the intention to write. How many times have I wasted words because I didn't give them space to be released? God can't speak through me if I'm not speaking. God can't give me words or vision if I'm not allowing myself to enter a space to receive it wholly. 

I too often believe that God comes as the burning bush instead of the quiet whisper. I know better, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to slow down and intentionally listen for the whisper of the wind. I allow mindless scrolling to infuse my days instead of renewing my mind with knowledge or wisdom or activity worthy of inspiration. 

So, maybe today's blog is more about me waking up and making some changes to my daily habits. Maybe I need to stand firm in personal commitment to myself and God. Maybe writing this tonight is God's way of telling me to make the space and offer the time because willingness breeds opportunity, and opportunities open doors, and open doors lead us to places we are destined to go. Do you have any doors that need to be opened? Is God nudging you toward an intentional commitment in your purpose?